A friend recommended that i post something like this, to try to find others similar to me..

Ive been out as trans (to myself) since january 2 years ago. I've just recently started transitioning, I started estrogen in October, MtF. I'm very active in the LGBT community, I even lead my campus' GSA.

In July, I had sex for the first time in my life. It.. well, it didn't feel great... And afterwards, I started sobbing. As I lay there after in the arms of someone i care about deeply(Lets call her B), I realized I had experienced that sensation before. For years and years, Ive been vaguely aware of what happened. Ive had the details, sort of blurry, in the back of my mind. On that night though, it all became clear to me. I cried for a very long time that night. I was molested as a child, possibly raped. The details are fuzzy but there are pieces that stick out.

I talked to my therapist about it a few times after that.. but once the semester started, it kinda got buried away; there was just too much to do. Last week, I was with some friends(B and one of our friends) and the other girl mentioned, rather nonchalantly, that she was raped as a child; she is pretty much past it and thus wasnt upset to mention that. We started talking, and i told her that i was molested too. I gave a little bit of the details. It was the first time I really talked about it since july.  Before I knew it, the night was over and our friend left.

Almost as soon as she did, I had a complete nervous breakdown. Luckily, I was still there with B. I was sobbing and spacing out, every noise, every movement scared me to death. It seemed as if people in posters were moving and, when i looked in the mirror, it looked like there was another person on the other side. I spent the night at B's - I couldnt go home. She held me tightly for a few hours as i tried to sleep...

Since then, every day has been a spiral downward. Every night is just full of restlessless and nightmares. I've already been considering doing things I shouldn't. B is currently at her parent's house a state away, and has been since the night I stayed over. I'm trying to just get through this. I see my therapist on the 9th, so Im trying to get through till then. There are lots of people concerned for me right now, due to some facebook status updates I probably shouldn't have sent... as well as a few messages I sent out while, well, under the influence, as there has been a lot of that too.

I feel I can't tell anyone. There is such a social stigma, that all trans people were abused and thats why they are trans. I'm deathly afraid that is true for me, and I dont need more people doubting me. I feel as if I can't join a support group. Yes, I was a boy when this happened... yes, maybe i still look like a boy, but I'm a girl. I dont know.. How do I join any sort of support group? 

I just feel really screwed up right now, I dont know how to recover. I was doing so good this semester.. I was able to go into rooms full of strangers and say plainly "Im trans and these are my needs" but now.. now I feel theres no strength left at all.

What do I do? Am I alone?

How many of you have been told this when trying to explain things to friends, family, or professionals? How does it make you feel?

While I do agree with the general concept, I think it's become a "buzz phrase" that people use when someone feels bad about their appearance. However, it upsets me to be told this in regard to my physical sex and gender. It isn't the same as being overweight or underweight; short or tall; having blue eyes or brown. We can't just go on a diet, wear platform shoes, or buy some contact lenses. Physical sex is (arguably) at the core of all things that have to do with our bodies. Every day, we are met with countless ways in which we are treated differently during social interactions because of our gender. It affects the opportunities we are given, the friends we make, the careers we may be pushed toward or away from, the people who are attracted to us (even in theory), and so many other things! And the options we have at our disposal for changing it are limited and financially expensive (but thankfully they are there!).

I have spent my entire life being thoroughly disgusted by what is between my legs, what I lack at my chest, and the shape of my body (among many other things). I feel like an alien. I look in the mirror and feel detached from what I see. "It's not me," I keep thinking, even though I know the unfortunate truth: It is. At the very least, it's my body as it is right now. And as long as I have some method, somewhere--something!--that I can do about it, I am going to pursue it. I think it is an insult to be told that I should just sit down, put my feet up, count my blessings, and be happy for something as life-defining and emotionally / psychologically troubling as this. I have even been told by my very own best (female) friend that I am being "shallow" by wishing so fervently to be female! I'm not sure the last time I have been so hurt and insulted by someone I trust and love so dearly (not counting the things my blood-family has done to me).

I surely hope I am not alone in this. Like I said, I do generally believe that our character is what makes us an individual. However, I don't think it can be argued how our sex defines us (in both our own eyes and in that of the world around us) in a multitude of other ways. This isn't a phase, it's not selfish ambition, nor is it wrong. To be handed the rhetoric we already know to be true in a general sense, we are not only being insulted as transgender people, but also as intelligent and self-conscious individuals.

Thoughts, opinions, and discussion on this topic would be highly appreciated.

I was asked that question over two years ago in a counseling session, and not sure exactly why, my best answer was "To fit in. To be accepted to the group I want to be part of." But this year's end has me reflecting that maybe that was only partially right.

I am quite comfortable wearing minimal makeup and casual clothes. But having been taken advantage of by two men, seeing "that thing" between my legs horrifies and saddens me. What is the link between these two events? It's rather causal and circular. In memoir fashion, I found it easiest to go back one link at a time.

I know what needs to be "down there," and can visualize it quite clearly after visiting Dr. Saran's page. I remember at the age of 16, perhaps even younger, wanting it to go back in. It didn't feel right for me. I tucked the whole thing in the groin skin folds, but it wouldn't stay. It just kept popping out. I tried over and over several times over the years, to just try to get it to go back. At 16, and for many years, crossdressing, even though mostly just underdressing, took second place to relying on my imagination of being female in sexual encounters. I hoped, as a person of faith, that if I wore girl's clothing, especially the underwear, things would go the way I felt they should have been.

As a child and a teenager, I never got along with the majority of children. I found more friends among the girls, and I didn't try to be male or female as a preschooler. I just was. It was the presence of other girls, not the games they played or the clothes the wore (except for one skirt that the little girl made look so beautiful twirling in), and not most of the toys they owned that I was drawn to.   I felt more comfortable in the female circles. I have learned over the last year from women's circles, that gender in me is at least 50% resonance. I feel more comfortable in a non-sexual way and more as if I were with my own kind in the room.

Naturally, I was attracted to the kitchen, the enclave of the women, because so much time was spent there preparing food. It was when I was separated from the people I felt comfortable with because I was a "boy," that I began to feel so alone. That loneliness was reinforced by being forced to do things that "men do," further segregating me. Eventually, when adolescence hit, I was at times disgusted with my development, and at other times hoping I could find a way to not be alone "as a man." I used to masturbate to random images from the television, and tried to make myself "feel like a man." But it never worked, and I grew dissatisfied at least half the time with that "thing that stood in my way," and was so annoying and embarrassing. I knew I liked women, but my internal images were always liking them "as a woman." My slow adolescence in a way was a blessing, as I wasn't forced to look like what appeared to me to be 30-year old men in my classmates. I wasn't, at least, physically required to present as a dominant muscle-bound male (at least, not yet).

Of course, I wound up so internally turmoiled that I had few, if any, true friends.

I dress femininely, because at 16 and 44, I would do anything to have my sex fit what I have known it must be, because I still have faith that by doing so, God will put things right. I dress because I have to present as a woman for at least a year before I can have the surgery. I dress femininely to be accepted, but I have learned how to dress comfortably and still be Ma'amed.

Why do I crossdress or live full-time outside of work? So I can have what's between my legs put right and be counted among the women.

Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie

A Christmas/Coming out letter

I am experiencing more and more frequent and heavy night sweats. I'm on 2 x 2mg estrodiol valerate and 3 monthly zolodex. Any ideas about causes and mitigation? I suspect it'll be rooted in the artificial menopause I have induced...

Just pondering...
Wow, how life would be different had the Internet been around (like it is now) when I graduated from High School in 1991. I know I would have come out a lot earlier in life.

I have no regrets on how long it took me to come out because the time was just right. I came out at 34.

But I do think about how life would be like if I was in high school right now dealing with trans* issues. It wouldn't necessarily be easier, but I am sure I wouldn't feel so alone as I did.

Life sure is good now though :)

As you might find out from my profile, I'm technically MtF but don't identify as trans. I'm past transitioning (which was surprisingly fast for me) but I'm still pre-op because I'm saving money for a good surgeon. I identify as femme, but not as a woman (or a man). I suppose "girl" is the closest think you might call me without it feeling wrong.

Short summary of post: mtf been on hrt for a long time, no sex drive & no function, reduced E slightly, suddenly acquired masculine function and fertility?. Help?

( The long version and the proper questions )

Last weekend Vancouver's Trans Alliance Society put on our second annual Holiday Party. We had turkey dinner with all the trimmings (plus vegan alternatives), music, Santa and gifts for everyone. We arranged this because too many people in our community don't have family to celebrate the holidays with anymore. Chosen family being the alternative to blood family, we have chosen to open our hearts to all our family whether we know you yet or not. You do have family to spend the holiday with, if you look around a bit.

Okay, this is good for the trans community of Vancouver, but what about everyone else? This is where the challenge comes in: We're not being jealous of our idea. We're not holding copyright on it so if you want to hold a similar event in your home town, we won't do anything but cheer you on (except maybe tell you how we made our arrangements to help you get started).

It would be beyond fantastic to see this event take root and spread to other cities the same way the DOR did. It's time we spread a little joy around. So who wants to take the challenge?

Xposted here and there.

Greetings. I have dual nationality, and was born, live and currently attend university outside of America. I am aware that it is possible to handle passport renewal by post or at the embassy in London; are there postable forms to use to make alterations to one's passport and/or social security information?

Is it possible to have gender-/sex-related information stricken from such profiles (or replaced with 'N/A' or an equivalent), rather than switched from one pole to another? Particularly if race-related information is not displayed, it seems as though gender-/sex-related information as well should not be. In practice, what do intersex or otherwise effectively gender-neutral individuals do?

Other than passport information and social security information, are there any other government databases which store relevant information to be changed/erased?

Are there available online step-by-step instructions for the procedures for altering the information of these two and any other records of significance?

I can look at my passport but, though I know my social security number, if 'social security information' exists how may I go about looking at it to find out what it is?

Thank you very much for your time.

Hey, I'm new to this community. MtF, 27, from Upper Michigan. I've been living full time as a female for about 3 months now. Doing the hormones on my own. I take 2 mg of estro and 25 mg of spiro in the morning and 50 mg of spiro and my vitamins at night, just started in the last two weeks. Wondering what others have started on and the results you've seen. (Please do NOT preach to me about the dangers of DIY Hormones)

Otherwise I am having problems with my computer. I seem to be having trouble reprogramming my parental units. Both the male and female units break down frequently when using my username. (My username is too long and complicated and cannot contain any other letters or numbers besides STEVE.) I no longer answer to my slave name. So yeah I'm wondering how I can get both units to accept my new username and correct pronoun usage? Sister units and their kid units are unaffected by my changes at least.

The parental female seems to think I have a virus. The female unit has been avoiding all public contact with me and seems to be embarrassed by me. She seems to think the whole thing is a phase and that I am ill. She also feels the need to try to explain to everyone in the family what she thinks is going on and that "just ignore him, he's only trying to get attention". She has called me a pervert in the past and said that everyone is gonna think I'm a child molester if I continue on this path.

The male unit claimed when I started my transition to "be an expert on sexual orientation and gender identity" ...based on a college course he took back in the 70's... yet he still can't understand the difference between the two.  He has read a few books on the subject and seems to be trying to understand at least. Funny story.... he went to Salvation Army and bought a bunch of female clothes for me to try on, to show his support.... Well all the female clothes are UUUUUUGLY and from the 70's and 80's.

I've been informing both units for over a year of my intention to transition but how can I get them both to fully accept and embrace the new, happy me?

And an observation. As a male I had few friends, girls thought I was creepy and guys avoided me altogether. But from the moment I've begun transitioning... guys are weirded out and now I have girlfriends like crazy. Is this typical?

Since my childhood I've known inside that I should have been a girl and I've wanted more than anything to get pregnant and be a mother. Not possible yet I know but do you other MTF's have a strong maternal instinct? It's not that I want to be a mother (I already have a daughter with an ex) but I NEED to get pregnant.... It's been a lifelong ambition. And when I try to explain to someone that I'm jealous of every other genetic female I see and they say "No you aren't. You wouldn't like periods and PMSing and pregnancy and all that..." How can I get people to understand that those things are what I've prayed for my entire life? Do others feel this way?

So, after about 8 months of MtF transition and therapy I flew a crossed the country to visit my family who had never seen me since I came out to them 5 months prior over the phone. They were extremely supportive and it was spread quickly through my extended family with very few problems (twilight zone moment!). So I arrive and get nothing but reinforcement about my decision. Constantly everyone has been telling me I am a completely different person and full of life in stark contrast prior to transition.

That being said all my previous reservations for full transition have fallen and now I'm looking at coming with a sense of commitment. So right now I dress act and with the help of hormones I know I appear ambiguous to people at a distance. My own father even made mention I seemed to be at a "mid way point."

I'm really looking to hear others thoughts on that point of no return which I feel I'm getting to. I know I'll be working on my voice and electrolysis very soon, and other steps that it will become impossible to remain in my current comfort zone to be successful. I mostly just let people presume I'm homosexual male since I'm more comfortable with that. With the full changes I would push for full female the prospect of "point of no return" is terrifying. The hardest is I'm currently going to school to be an MA and I'm worried about attempting to find work without legal change of gender and name. I seem to be more comfortable with the idea of getting a job first then transitioning while in employment so I can establish my skill as an employee rather than my transition being top issue.

I'll stop, I'm rambling.

Hi all. I thought I would introduce myself. My name is Katie, and I am actually quite cisgendered. I am here because I am honorarily part of a very uniquely awesome family. I live with one of my oldest and dearest friends and his son and daughter. When I met my roommate, he was superwoman - mother of three, working wife, holding down two jobs and going to school to support a husband and children. Now, at the age of 40-something, he is navigating through life as a ftm, and trying to fit all of the pieces together.

Myself being happily cisgendered, I have no frame of personal reference for his life, but I love him and support him the best that I can. So, here I am, trying to support my roommate/friend/family through something that, frankly, I haven't experienced before, and in my narrow social circle am not likely to see on a daily basis. It's a journey for all of us, and I am trying to help his daughters understand as much as I can (they are adults, in their twenties, with kids of their own), but again, it's not something I fully understand. His son seems to be fine with the transition, it's the girls who are having a hard time dealing with it.

Did any of you experience having to help your children understand? How did you do it? Can you think of anything I can say to help the girls understand a little more? (They don't listen to their mom, because, well, they're kids, damn it!! lol)

Thanks for being here as a livejournal community. I am so glad I have found this!

For the record, after he gets my fetlife profile set up (hahaha. My fetish? I am straight and vanilla! HAHAHA!!! What a profile....) we are getting him a livejournal, because we were reading some of this community's posts together, and he's looking forward to joining!

I'll stop rambling now.

Forwarded from Loree Cook-Daniels. This is last-minute as they need responses by the end of today, but please cross-post to appropriate communities!

Loree Cook-Daniels from the FORGE Transgender Ageing Network here. A few years ago, MetLife and the LGBT Ageing Issues Network of the American Society on Ageing did a well-publicised survey of LGBT people age 45-64. Unfortunately, for a bunch of reasons, there were few to no Trans respondents. They are redoing the survey and trying to do this one right, but we need more Trans respondents -- NOW (by the end of the weekend).

Note that this survey is set up in a complicated way that redirects anyone who is not in the right age bracket and/or that doesn't indicate they're Trans by noting they were assigned a different gender at birth. (So if you get a question about elected officials being out of touch, know you've been redirected.) Despite that, the questions were written for a mixed LGBT audience, so they're not all as Trans-savvy as we would like. Please be gracious if you fall within the needed age range and answer anyway, because we'd like to: 1) have Trans respondents; and 2) show other researchers that you CAN get Trans respondents in a mixed LGBT survey, if you outreach.

Below is MetLife's description and the link. Thank you.

Loree

( Read more... )

The National Union of Jewish LGBTQQI Students's 14th annual conference will take place January 15th to the 17th at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles. As usual the conference will be held over a weekend, and co-hosted by a campus Hillel, the NUJLS leadership conference features workshops, services, community building, and social time. This year's keynotes are Rabbi Bradley Artsen, Dean of the Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies and comedian Dana Goldberg!

We welcome students from all sorts of backgrounds (religious, not, newly out, not, liberal to conservative, and more). Workshops, speakers, and text studies address such topics as Judaism and homosexuality, activism, relationships, ethics, coming out, and politics. Last year more than one hundred students came from across the United States and Canada to participate, and we anticipate a similar turnout this year! Registration ($80) includes meals (all kosher), housing, and all conference events. Travel and registrations subsidies are available upon request (in the registration form). View past schedules and register at http://www.nujlsonline.org/conferenceinfo.html

Hope to see you there!

Hello, I'm Kai. I'm 17 and FtN...ish. My actual gender is neutral, but the filter between me and the world changes from male to female and other stuff. I'm preparing to tell my parents that I'm trans within the next two months, so I will probably be asking a lot of things. Right now I'll just start with a couple questions.

First of all, I'm trying to figure out the logistics of socially switching to a different name. Right now, my six closest friends all use my preferred name. Luckily it starts with the same letter as my given name, so I've started signing papers with [first initial][last name], but I'd like to completely switch over. In January, a new semester starts and I'd like to use Kai consistently, but all of my teachers either have already had me in class or know me by my given name from elsewhere. I thought I'd email my teachers, and since they mostly seem cool they'll probably be okay, but I'm more worried about dealing with other people's "WTF, why are they calling you Kai?" Even cis people start using nicknames sometimes, but how do you actually do it?

Second thing is a binding thing. I'm lucky to have a really small chest (34A), but I'd like to get it flat and don't know how. My immediate hope was to find a tight sports bra, but it's really hard to find a size small where I live, let alone an extra-small or something like that. So now that I know I'll have to order something anyways, I figure I might as well just find out what is the most effective.

Hey all,

I haven't posted to this community before (though I've been lurking for ages), so first, a quick intro:
My name is Liam and I'm a 20-year-old trans guy. I'm a college student in Washington state. I'm pre-medical transition, but I've socially transitioned as much as one who is not consistently read as male can. And on to the question:

I filed my paperwork for my name change about a month ago, and my court date will be about a month from now. Needless to say, I'm excited. I'm currently trying to figure out all the places I need to contact and have them change my name (and it sure seems like a lot!). Mostly I've got things under control, but I've been wondering about one specific situation. Over the summer, I worked at a summer camp. Do I need to contact them and let them know about my name change? I'm picturing bad scenarios with mismatching W2 forms. Would it bring up problems? Because once I change my name with the SSA, I'm assuming both my names would be on file there and linked to my social security number. I don't know. The whole tax thing kind of confuses me, and I've had problems with it before.

If I can avoid it, I'd rather not contact this camp about my name change. But of course, I will if I have to. And what exactly does one say to a former employer about this in order to ensure that there are no problems with my tax forms? Do I just need to ask them to change the name in their records, or is there something more complicated?

Sorry if these are stupid questions. I'm still a bit of a life noob, I'm afraid.

-Liam

Hey all, I just wanted to introduce myself. I've recently made the decision to move from Male to Female and have a long way to to.

I've always identified as female, but felt I was forced to hid it especially from my family. Now I've decided to stop hiding and am going to work towards being happy.

Hello all, my name is Kaci, 17 years old, and I just joined this community yesterday in hopes that I can receive help on some issues I'm currently facing. I would also like to say that I'm deeply sorry if I get any of the terms wrong, or I say something that offends anyone. That is not my intention at all. If I say anything wrong or off, just let me know and I'll do my best to remedy it and/or explain myself. :) Anyway, onto the actual post.

( Cut for Length )

Sorry for all of that rambling and what not. Anyway, that's really all I can think of to say about the subject. I'd really appreciate any advice about this.

I wanted to share my experience since up until now pretty much all I had heard from trans guys were of negative experiences with pelvic exams. If anyone put off getting one for years and years like I did out of fear of it hurting too much, being too scary, etc, I'm hoping this might be able to reassure you a bit!

( My (positive!) pap smear experience )

I know that a lot of non-prescription T supplements touted by online sources are frequently pure bull, but I was wondering if anyone had heard of/tried BioEntopic?
I'm getting impatient and frustrated, and I just want some way to move forward. I've been stuck in Limbo for too long.

Any experience to share? Thanks.

-Connor


x-posted