Sara's Sacred Space

True Colors Conference

2009-03-16T18:06:37Z

I attended the True Colors Conference this past weekend and the experience was a bit more than I expected. I got loads of information from the various workshops, saw a drag show, saw "Good Asian Drivers" perform an awesome concert, and most of all I got to let my hair down and wear whatever I wanted without being terrified of people staring and me or smirking or whatever. I think seeing so many who are of the GLBT community assured me that I wasn't necessesarily the only one going through what I am now. I know in the back of my mind that the community is huge, active, pro-active, etc... but I guess I needed to actually experience being with the community and in the community to know how I fit into it.

There is still so much fear inside, but all in all the confidence is coming and the desire to be more out is growing.

I know that I am becoming more fed up with the hiding and shying away.

At the Conference Ball, I danced beyond my abillity and probably pushed the limits of my age, body, and metabolism, but all in all there was a great feeling in dancing with someone identified as lesbian. Labels don't matter much to me, but in the back of my mind I was thinking, we're just having fun and it doesn't matter who we are or what we are. If I was gay, she danced anyway. If I was straight, she danced with me anyway. Clearly she saw what I was wearing and how femme I was trying so hard to be, and thankfully she danced with me anyway. Which I think is what the Conference was about- going beyond labels to just plain ol' acceptance.

Finding My Look

2009-02-19T09:43:54Z

BEM Gender Inventory Test Results

2008-12-17T02:28:56Z

I scored 56.667 masculine points
I scored 81.667 feminine points
I scored 63.333 androgynous/neutral points

So basically, when I say I am about 80% female inside, I ain't kidding myself. I am more femme and gender neutral than masculine.
I am not surprised by these results at all.

The Test

2008-12-17T01:59:25Z

The
COMBINED GENDER IDENTITY AND TRANSSEXUALITY INVENTORY
(COGIATI)

Your COGIATI result value is: 130 Which means that you fall within the following category:

COGIATI classification FOUR, PROBABLE TRANSSEXUAL

What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' tanssexual.

SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION:

Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action.

The suggestions for your circumstance are several.

It is recommended that you seek help from a sympathetic counselor or professional about your gender issues. It is very possible that over time they will become increasingly difficult to cope with. Early determination of what you really need and want is vital. You need to determine if you truly are transsexual. Keep in mind, thought, that many alternatives exist other than complete sexual transformation. Partial transformation and many other way of existing are available. While you are very possibly a transsexual, COGIATI has determined that this is not absolutely certain. While time is an issue, being certain is more important. Proceed with investigation of your possible transsexuality or transgenderism, but with caution.
Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals.
Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. Neither should you rush into acting on them, however powerful they may feel. You do not fit the full criterion for the rarest classification, classic transsexuality, and so should be cautious, and open to possibilities. You may yet end up undergoing transition, and the path of the transsexual may well be your salvation. Be very careful, but do not ignore your issues.
If you have not already, consider joining any of the thousands of groups devoted to gender expression of various kinds. There is literally a world of friends to discover who share your interests. There are also publications, vacations, and activities that would expand your gender expression.

Update

2008-12-17T01:29:53Z

Well, 3 exams done, 1 more to go and so far I am feeling pretty psyched about how I did on them. I am pretty sure my GPA will get a little boost this semester-- at least I am hoping so.

I am also looking forward to the holiday break because then I get to do a little travelling to Michigan to see my brother and to chill out. I may also see my friend back from graduate school in the UK.

As far as everything else is concerned, I am not all too happy with the direction the counselling is going here at Eastern. Seems I am getting no real support from this end. By now though, I am not surprised, just disappointed. My own efforts to branch out and meet people in the transgender community has been mediocre and there's no candy coating it. I have found it frustrating that I can seem to make any connections with others closeby. I also find it frustrating that I am not secure enough to go out and meet people. I don't know what I am afraid of, but there is that fear. I also just know that when I do meet other MtF's, all I generally see is a man trying to be a woman... I just don't see enough female for me to let my guard down and relax. It's the same when I look at myself in the mirror. I don't see enough female to where I feel like I can present as such. I can feel feminine on the inside, but the dominant male presentation is just frustrating me and totally undermining my own sense of who I am. I see more and more disconnect between the person I see and the person I feel I am.

I recently joined some more online communities in Connecticut in hopes of making more connections and meeting people in the area. Possibly I will find some networking opportunities and meet people with similar issues and so on. That's about all I can do for now.

The Latest News

2008-11-17T06:12:42Z

Alright, I know it's been a while since I poked this journal, but I figured I'd wait a while to see how things panned out. Basically I have a new therapist/counsellor... this is my 2nd one in about a year. She's more knowledgable, but all in all ineffectual. Basically she is telling me that the kind of help I need is beyond the scope of what the school's counselling services can offer. She is basically saying that I am at this stage now where I am smack in the middle of figuring myself out and deciding how/when/and to what extent I want to transition from David to Sara or some femme identity. Even though I know it's all up to me anyway, I could have used more insight and suggestions from her-- but she claims that's more for what the community can offer rather than her.

Her only definitive advice seems to be for me to go out there and find the LGBT community and make some connections. To my surprise, of the friends I have talked to about my situation, quite a few of them are connected to transgendered folks (some FtM's mostly, with a few MtF's). I have yet to meet anyone yet in person, but am trying to free up some of my schedule for that. The counsellor did recommend I try visiting the Rainbow Center at UConn and sort of circulate there if I can get transportation squared away.

Of course things have been crazy with my grandfather being in the hospital for clogged arteries and kidney issues and so on. He's not exactly in the best of shape. His screwed up diet and smoking have finally caught up to him I guess.

Back From Vacation - Back on Campus

2008-09-12T03:26:55Z

Back on campus from the summer of total isolation. Imagine a world with no cable television, no phone service, and no internet. That world was mine for 3 months. When I got back on-campus, the school's network was in bad shape. No telling when I will be able to use instant messenger or go web surfing in the privacy of my own room again. It could take months someone said.

My classes look easy enough as I plan out my graduation or graduate options. I am still gearing up to be a teacher still- only question is where will I teach and how soon. I for one would love to teach in Japan! I am working towards that goal as I continue to work on other goals like self-improvement and self-development.

On that topic, my therapy is not going in the directions I was anticipating and I am feeling the need for a fresh start and fresh perspective. I need a therapist who can handle my specific needs and has real experience working with transgendered indidivuals. I just cannot compromise on that. I feel I have to be tough in that regard.

I am also poking around various communities and websites for more information (and online shopping for pretty tights and things). I am trying to decide some things related to broadening my circle of friends and broaden my understanding of being transgender. I am a little disappointed that I am feeling alone in all this and that my friends are generally backing away from me as if I had the plague. But, I am pre-hormones, pre-surgery, and in 99% of the case pre-everything else. I don't look femme at all. Only on rare occaisons when I have total privacy might I "girl it up."

On the subject of privacy- I am having an internal debate or argument over the prospects of off-campus housing versus the convenience of living on-campus, close to where my classes are and everything else. Off-campus housing may or may not be cheaper... off-campus would likely mean high cost utillities and internet service... a commute to classes in shady neighborhoods... but total privacy would be the bonus.

I figure I have to start looking for a place anyway if I am doing graduate school in a year or two.

So much to do, and so little time it seems.

Sara

Summer Break Coming Soon

2008-05-09T06:57:36Z

The likelihood of me having internet access over the summer is looking kind of slim- so if anyone reads my journal and wonders where I am, I'll be home generaly feeling even more frustrated and isolated and likely depressed.

Usually during the long 3 month break, I tend to either hunt for work, focus on my writing, or find something to do to distract me from the fact that I generally have a house to myself while my Mom is at work.

I think during the summer I will try and do as much soul searching as I can and probably write a lot of things down so I can post a big update when I get back on-campus.

Looking back, this semester has been the toughest for me. Between dealing with some tougher than expected classes and begining to come to terms with being transgender or at least not necessarily all male like I supposedly should be... I am generally surprised I haven't flunked this semester.

In looking back, it is hard to believe that I managed to pull through these last 3 years of college with a decent 3.24 G.PA. My lowest grade in any class so far has been a C+... and to date, I only have 2 of those. I've earned quite a few A's in my time here and made Dean's List one Spring Semester. It hasn't been all bad, but I know that the real challenges have yet to come.

And I think the big reason I find myself questioning my gender identity and spending time on it is because I don't want to spend any more time wondering or missing out on a life I could have. I feel like I missed out on lots of things I would have loved and been passionate about had I been born a girl. And its not like it is easy to just say, "well why can't you just do those things as a guy?"

Try rythmic gymnastics or artistic gymnastics as a guy... try to do the women's apparatus you really want to do as a guy... see how far that gets you. Try getting taken seriously as a guy who wants to wear leotards, do floor excersizes, uneven bars, balance beam, and twirl ribbons and dance femininely. Guys do gymnastics sure... but not the gymnastics I would love to participate in. And the same goes for ballet too.

As a guy now, I am boxed in by stereotypes, societal expectations, gender-specific limitations, etc. I don't feel like I am free to express myself. I feel mostly embarassed and fearful of expressing elements of msyelf more femme than masculine.

And think about how transgender persons are generally percieved in society these days. "He-she", "freaks", the subject of jokes and ridicule... the subject of hate and discrimination... totally rejected or shunned because somehow they don't fit into what society has defined as "normal".  And it doesn't help anything when the media feeds the public inaccurate portrayals "Jerry Springer-style" or turn things against the transgender community as if trying to be honest with yourself was a crime against humanity.

How do you think I feel sometimes waking up in the morning (or afternoon actually) only to look in the mirror and react in one of two ways:

1) I look disgusting... I hate the way I look... I'll never look or feel attractive... Why do I even bother getting up?

2) Who am I really? Why do I feel so out of touch with who I am?

Actually there are countless reactions I have to myself and most are generally boiling down to discomfort and doubt. When I think of myself as eventually growing old and venerable or ancient, how do I want to be seen? If I do nothing and remain as is for the next 40 years... will I be happy with myself or hate myself for not doing enough to find the answers or become closer to my true self?

If I do anything, I want certainty... I want what I choose to do to feel as natural and seamless as possible... like an extension of my past bleeding into my present. Some new things I do now for myself have felt like they have always been a part of me... and the more of these changes I go through, the more I wonder what else will feel more natural... what else about me has been penned up or kept so bound up and hidden?

I am hoping to do a lot of self-exploring this summer.

Seeing Old Friend

2008-04-28T06:11:04Z

Saw my old friend that I haven't seen in about two years. He knows I am transgender- At least I am sure he knows I have mentioned it- whether he knows what I mean and understands what I have said... well that remains to be seen.

One thing I do know is that after spending the weekend hanging out with him "Guys being guys", I guess I see some differences in myself while also fully aware that I have tendencies, quirks, habits, or whatever that just won't change no matter what gender I feel I am.

I also know that not many in my family will accept, understand, or see me in very welcoming light if I came out fully to them as a MTF transgender person.

I think my situation becomes more tense and frightening the more I think about how few people have actually offered physical support. I may end up very much alone in my situation with little or no support system. I think as it stands, the friends I have told have basically stepped back- being unable to grasp that regardless of gender identity, I am still very much the same person inside as I have always been. I am still their friend and still the same person- only differences I can admit are differences in how I want to express myself.

I am more afraid of how people will view me if I transition. I am afraid of what people will do and how hard things will be if I try to transition. Yet, the more afraid I am, the more I gradually feel that something isn't right and something needs to be done.

So what needs to be done? I am still in the process of finding that out.

Thoughts of the Day

2008-04-22T02:08:24Z

More and more subtly I am warming up to being a girl. There is a lot of fear though- mostly about transitioning and how people will react if they know I am transgender or see me present myself differently than what they have grown used to.

A part of me feels almost guilty for wanting to change. But a good part of me feels it could be a good thing to at least try some things and see how they feel. I would think that I would know right away if something doesn't feel natural to me or not. And I am not talking surgery or hormone therapy- I am just talking about clothes and little things like that.

I probably wouldn't be as afraid if I knew that I could pass more fully as a female than male.
If people were to already see something in me that was much more feminine than masculine, it would help.

I am definitely feeling a bit intimidated by the idea of presenting myself to men as a girl. I am not homosexual and have no interest in men whatsoever. If by homosexual you would say lesbian- then yes, I would be a lesbian in that sense.

I would almost feel intimidated with the idea of not being feminine enough to pass among females. I know some people could be very petty and vicious- I would not expect it, but know it could happen from all corners. Women size and appraise each other up all the time- I've seen it and observed it so often. It's like a psychological game they play. I don't want games- I just want to be who I feel I am.

Another Conversation

2008-04-20T05:25:03Z

Had another conversation with my Mom for a little while last Wednesday about me being Transgender. While she listened perhaps a little longer and seemed to get pieces and parts of my conversation, she basically told me not to "dwell on it" and then proceeded to change the subject and cut me off.

She seems to firmly believe it is genetic and all that... but why does she choose to avoid the subject. I don't get it. Most mothers I would think would kill to have some heart-to-heart with their kids. I would think she would want to know what's going on. And if she claims to get it, why then try and supress me from talking about it? Does she simply not want to deal with it and hope I just hide it?

While I understand she may just be trying to be practical and look out for me against the haters and discriminators out there, I am hardly at the point where I have gone public with myself as a transgender girl. I have only confided in a few friends. I feel convinced that she is hoping that this is all some sort of phase that will go away somehow or correct itself.

The more I am able to explore and think more deeply about myself, the more open I think I am to see parts of me that have been pushed back or hidden. I know there is just something about me that is trying to come out and breathe or exhale somehow. I know there is a girl inside me dying to get out.

Thoughts of the Day

2008-04-01T23:16:30Z

Lots of progress is being made I think- recognizing the way I approach relationships now as opposed to how I went into them before. How I handle the overwhelming, affectionate emotions and sense of needing and yearning for companionship and love versus how I need to hold something back for myself and keep things in a sensible perspective.

But it is something interesting how the past lately has been poking around in my present. I find it odd and amusing sometimes. It's like you can only go so far before something behind you tries to reel you back in.

It somewhat disturbs me that someone I personally cannot stand could apparently change for the better and woo the one girl I have often felt the most fondly of. It is interesting how things change in the directions that they do... and how people still try to push their opinions upon me.

Spring Break

2008-03-20T05:07:20Z

Well the privacy I am enjoying while the roomates are travelling is nice. I get to wear my leotards and tights and pretty much relax without fear of being seen. I got three new velvet leotards that fit perfectly and feel sooo nice.

Although so far Melody and I haven't had a chance to meet or get in touch so far, I did get to meet an online Domme who has 2 friends and submissives who are transgender girls. So my list of contacts have increased a tad.

My friend Jamin sent me a recent article from the New York Times on a college transgender guy at an all-girls college. It was insightful but a tad depressing.

Then I hear that some important legislation regarding anti-discrimination against transgendered folks on the basis of gender identity didn't go through. The Human Rights Council are still trying to push it, but leave it to Congress to still hold a grudge against some segment of the human race who doesn't fit their criteria of human.

In other news, passed the 300 page mark in my novel and still have a ways to go. Hate to think how long the editting process is going to take.

Weekend and Spring Break So Far

2008-03-17T03:55:46Z

Well, I got my privacy for at least two whole days so far and got to wear what I wanted to. Shiny purple/silver/black leotard and black leggings all day yesterday... shiny blue leotard, white tights, and midnight grey skirt today with my ballet slippers... did absolutely nothing but bake a pizza, listen to my hockey game, and chill. Course I am hoping to finish my novel and start some work on my thesis outlines and research papers. I am also looking forward to seeing or at least hearing from Melody sometime this week. We were trying to plan times when we could see each other and try a few things like make-up, skirts, dresses, skin treatments, etc.

I am still being encouraged to go on some sort of summer trip to the U.K. to visit my friend at Oxford, but with no money and still no passport as of yet, I don't think its going to happen this year. Not like its really in my power to go travelling- where do these people think I can get the kind of money to go hopscotching from continent to continent with? Airfare alone would bankrupt me. I have less than 200 dollars to my name right now. Maybe a little more. I would need a summer job, not a summer trip. Unless that summer trip involved a well paying summer job.

Right now though I have to focus on finishing the classes I have right now and nailing the grades. I don't need any added distractions.

Thoughts

2008-03-07T21:05:54Z

After the last session in which it seemed like I vented frustrations with the therapy process and clarified some issues, I think I came away in the end with a much better sense of how things can work out after all. I got the feeling that there is no more confusion or mixed signals or mixed up messages. I think I can go back to therapy on Tuesday with a clean slate and approach some past issues and some new issues with more positive angles. I think summing up some of the issues of the past with concerns I have leading into the near or far future, I have come up with a list of topics:

1) Things I can do to become more comfortable with myself. How can I become more at ease with my feelings and more at ease with my body. If I consider some level of transition, how can I build up the confidence to wear femme clothes and present myself as a little more femme than I am now? How do I emotionally prepare myself for some forms of transition? How can I build the confidence to be seen by others as femme in femme clothes?

2) How do I deal with feelings of guilt or shame? How do I lessen this fear I have of my mother's influences over me and why do I feel as though my mother has such tremendous influence over me? Why do I enable her to emotionally undermine my feelings? Why do I feel so uncomfortable talking to her and why do I fear her in some ways and not in others?

3) How can I feel more confident in what I do for myself? How can I stop feeling so insecure about my self-expression? How can I begin to feel a sense that how I feel and behave and think is natural and not something that is wrong?

I think for now those are the big issues I need to approach and tackle. As I look more closely at these issues, I can hash out the details and perhaps come up with some solutions.

Weekend Thoughts

2008-03-01T09:41:12Z

I ask myself if I have a right to feel beautiful, and I answer, "Yes". I ask myself if I have a right to decide who I am and how I want to present myself, and I answer, "Yes". I ask myself if the things I love and am passionate about are wrong, and I answer, "Why should they be?" I ask myself should I feel guilty for something that seems natural and comforting to me, and I answer, emphatically, "No".

While I cannot always defend who I am or explain why I am, I feel that I shouldn't have to. The only person I need to answer to is myself. But the one that needs to understand who I am and why I am IS myself.

I ask myself if talking about my deepest discomforts helps, and I answer, "Only if the cure hurts less than the discomforts". I ask myself if I should give my therapist the benefit of the doubt when she apparently has no experiences counselling transgender persons... I ask myself to trust someone who is making me doubt some of my thoughts, question some of my feelings, and feel a sense of guilt over how I think and feel and how I express.

I ask myself to understand what my therapist might be thinking. I think about putting myself in her proverbial shoes and wonder if she does the same. I wonder if I click with her or not. Maybe, maybe not. I still don't know. I don't like coming so far only to feel a sense of scrambling around to not lose ground.

Monday Night Thoughts

2008-02-26T04:04:19Z

It's hard to say after this morning's therapy/counseling session if I felt any better about myself or got any sense of renewed confidence after the awkwardness of the last session prior. Whether its the exploration of how miserable I am/should be and my trying to bring a positive spin on it- or somehow feeling forced to accept I am miserable and trying to deal with hopelessness or not... or whether it is today's session about looking into sexuality, defintions of sex, and how it is I am uncomfortable with certain aspects of arousal, orgasm, and self-pleasure and whether or not I have a spandex fetish, leotard and tights fetish, or some other attachment that takes away from the heart of my "issues"... I just feel like something is getting out of hand and that the things I am trying to express or achive for myself are being undermined or led in directions that hurt me more than help me.

As this is all free counselling and my therapist has a considerable amount of experience in psychology- though not specifically in transgender issues- I give her the benefit of the doubt. It aggrivates me though because I feel more and more like I am on the defensive and that perhaps it was better for me not to mention anything. One side of me would like to think anything could be relevent when it comes to defining my place in all this- but another side of me is begining to regret and have serious reservations and doubts.

I am seriously wondering right now where the therapist is headed and what her goals are in relation to my goals of identifying who I am and my gender identity. It seems like lately as I put something out there, it gets attacked and somehow requires justification or some defence. Is the goal then to undermine what my feelings arem or is it to tear it apart to see just how permanent or resiliant my thoughts and feelings are? Do they stand uo against criticism and the test of time?

If I have had consistant thoughts, doubts, feelings, and perhaps habits that have run consistantly since I was a young teen, what should that say?

From my "Other" Journal

2008-02-18T23:43:06Z

Testing a Theory

Feb. 18th, 2008 | 06:03 pm

After 20 or so years, I have finally gone to a counsellor / therapist with an issue that has been weighing on my mind off and on and off and on since I was 12 or younger. It is a persistant issue and one that will not go away unless I find the abillity to resolve it or I take the issue with the seriousness it deserves and make peace with it. I am not homosexual. I do not have cancer, AIDS, or some debilitating disease.

I have a gender identity issue. I am transgender. There is disharmony with who I feel I am and what I am physically. There is dysphoria, confusion, and a blurring of gender identity. On the gender spectrum, I am neither black or white. I do not fit into the gender binary mentally or emotionally. I do not fit neatly into any label or category, but the word "Transgender" at least defines the umbrella under which I find myself.

Some friends or acquaintances I have opened up to have responded positively at first- letting me know that they support me and understand where I am coming from and so on. However, they gradually admit that they do not understand and cannot support me or various reasons (schedules, ambivalence, no reason stated)... which leads me to wonder and question the nature of who I am to these people even more so.

Would people be more willing to support me if the word "Transgender" never came up? Or is there a deeper issue here where perhaps I have never had many friends to begin with- just people- strangers- acquaintances- who simply smile and nod and pay me lip service?

Would people support me if I had said, "yeah, I have AIDS..." or "Yeah, I have cancer." Would people be more willing to support me or help me if only they knew more about what it is to be "Transgender"? I am inclined to think so, but I do not take the road of force feeding people information. I'd like to handle this calmly- if people have questions, I would find the answers and share my findings.

I am a tad peeved though... does being "Transgender" prevent people from getting to know me? Does being "Transgender" suddenly put up red lights and stop signs when it comes to making friends and getting to know people? Does being "Transgender" mean I stop being a human being and a person and start being the subject of curiosity and study and constant analysis? Do I suddenly become a novelty act and conversation piece no different than an interesting coffee table book on the living room table?

How is it that some people can support their friends whole-heartedly, but others balk when a real challenge comes up? You are strong enough to be their friend through thin, but not thick? Friendships can only be what's convenient for you? I want to believe that friendships and being friends is a whole lot more than what's convenient. I'd like to think that a friend is more than just someone you hang out with on occaison.

I'd also like to think that a friend doesn't have to be physically there beside you if emotionally he or she is already there. People seem to dismiss emotional attachments or put them secondary to physical presence. Sure, physical presence is nice and helpful and undeniable, but a body is still just a body. How does your friend FEEL about you? What does this friend THINK about you? The thing that really defines a relationship shouldn't be a body, but a HEART and MIND. Sheesh. And that goes for ANY situation and ANY person.

Responce?

Thinking

2008-02-18T01:56:49Z

I had a four-day break and vacation and you would think that I would go nuts and dress up in my leotards, tights, and prance about and be girly. Honestly, I didn't even think of it. I wore spandex on night and that was about it for dress up. I spent at least two days in pajama bottoms and 4 days in hockey jerseys. It was a busy week for the Hartford Wolfpack and I caught all the games on the web broadcasts. They win against the likes of Providence, Springfield, and Portland but can't cash in on a perfect weekend as they lose to Bridgeport 4-1 today.

Lately the Transgender posts I have been reading has had a bit of a focus on public perceptions and Fox News damnation and comparing the transgender community to the war in Iraq by Linda Ingrham... sad. Apparently, according to the O'Reily Factor's Linda Ingrham, society is being destroyed by the transgender community- coincidentally at the time of a transgender conference in Berkely in California.

Everytime I hear this kind of idiocy from the likes of Fox News, it makes me cringe and want to scream to deafen these ultra-conservative Bible jockeys who think Fox News is the world's leader in the Word of God.
Canada is looking better and better with each passing day. Thank God I get my news from BBC World and the Daily Show by John Stewart and The Colbert Report. At least there I know I'll be entertained and get what will at least make me laugh. Fox News is full of shit.

In relation to my own situation, the more "horror stories" I hear of how people react to transgendered people, the more reluctant I am to consider my options and choices for transitioning. It is hard to believe that people could be so ignorant and visceral, but they are and it doesn't take much to piss off the "Heartland of America" folks who still belive George Bush's mission is accomplished. It doesn't take much to look back and see how society treated homosexuals before the explosion of awareness in the 80's. It doesn't take much effort for me to recall just how people reacted to the existence of transgendered people. God forbid that a person wishes to be someone more in harmony with what they feel. I don't get it. At what point does a minority of people seeking their true identities undermine the dominance of an overwhelming majority? What is this, Orsen Well's 1984?

I doubt anything the liberal, homosexual, transgender populations do will unravel the fabric of human existence or "mainstream" society. I so doubt that anything we do would undermine the Christian Coalition/700 Club/Republican belief in God and their Mandate of Heaven over the American Dream.

I don't see how gay marriage, sex changes, or homosexuality will impede on the lives of anyone not having a gay marraige or sex change or heterosexual life.

I am glad that I am a Taoist. It is a shame that I have no tolerance for ignorance and stubborn blind stupidity.

Thinking, trying to Be big.

2008-02-10T04:19:23Z

"You have to THINK big to BE big."

Feelings... Nothing More Than Feelings

2008-02-09T06:30:26Z

It's hard to pin down what I am feeling when so many other things are going on between classes, club stuff, and research. This is probably the most common reason I never really took the idea that I could be a girl in a guy's body all that seriously. I never allowed myself to sit my butt down and think about anything. It seemed as though I was always too busy or too distracted or in the middle of something. I was always mentally or physically pulled away from considering my own sense of self and my place in the world.

I suppose some would or could say I was often too busy worrying about everything else but myself and my needs or wants. I was too busy worrying about everything (for no good reason or for lots of reasons) except what was probably the most important thing- myself.

I suppose it could be said that I have often cared about others so much, I give more than I could probably handle of myself. I stretch myself too thin sometimes and never seem to save anything emotionally for myself. Some might accuse me of giving too much. I think I put myself out and overextend myself and inevitably set myself up and leave myself vulnerable.

When I do have time for myself or I find myself alone and vulnerable or emotionally low, that's when everything sort hits me and I can see more clearly or feel more deeply where I am at emotionally and inwardly.

I know early on in my life I have considered what it would be like to be a girl. And I have asked myself what it would be like to be that kid in a dress and tights and patent leather shoes or that ballerina or gymnast. I often wondered if my life would have somehow been easier had I been a girl. Would I have been picked on so much or bullied as much? Would the way I am be more in harmony with how I appeared if I was a female instead of male?

I think that because I ask myself these questions and have had a pretty long history of doubts and ponderings or wonderings about myself as the opposite sex, there is likely a cause or reason behind these feelings. I am now wondering if there is a source for this identity confusion and if some sense could be made from exploring that source.

I am also wondering if it makes sense to have days or moments where a person can seem to go without any notion of gender identity. Suppose I go about a length of time (days, weeks) where my sense of self has no connection to any gender at all? Yet, there are days when it seems so clear when I look at msyelf in the mirror or if I wear a certain article of clothing or do something I like- I can directly relate that to my being male or female.

When I say I am probably 80% female- its clear that the majority of who I am leans in that feminine state of mind or sense of self that compares more favorably to what can be viewed as feminine. Then the 20% that is male either struggles to be more dominant or prominant, or recedes somewhere. The 20% of me that is male remains and seems to have a permanent place in me. It's impossible for me to divorce myself from the old comfortable habits and mannerisms and behaviors and interests and quirks that might define me as a male. At the same time though there is something about me physically that frustrates me and sometimes irritates me that is uniquely male. I am not very fond of ejaculations, embarassing erections, body hair, and being a thin framed person. I don't like looking at my body and feeling as though something just isn't right. Aside from the need to excersize more and watch what I eat, the young looking face and slim body doesn't seem to fit this notion of masculinity. And enough people have made remarks in the past to lead me to feel awkward and self-conscious about my lack of masculinity that I question my identity.

Hormones

2008-02-05T01:07:07Z

Having looked at about 44 replies to my questions about Hormone Replacement Therapies for Transgender MTF (male to female) and the risks, side effects, and any statistical evidence or observations, I came to no real solid conclusions about hormone treatment as of yet. While many I have chatted with back and forth with have had positive experiences, it is fair to note that these folks transitioned in their late teens and early twenties and got better results apparently based on how soon in relation to puberty or post-puberty they went on these treatments.

There wasn't any type of consensus as to how often the risks of hormone therapy appeared. It was unclear how common such occurances of strokes, blood clots, high blood pressure, kidney issues, liver issues, etc. occured.

As far as what I might expect of my body on hormone therapies, from what I am seeing so far, I may not see significant breast development. I will see fat re-distribution, smoother skin, thicker hair but not necessarily hair re-growth in the instances of dead follicles, I will see thinner fingernails and toenails, more feminine contours- but again these results may not appear for at least a year of continued therapy. I would also expect to see shrinkage of the testicles and a cease of erections and ejaculations and marked decreases in sex drive.

Hormones will not change the pitch of my voice.

I would also need a combination of Testosterone blockers, Estrogen, Androgens, Progesterone or something(?) and there is a difference in effectiveness and safety in regards to natural and synthetic hormones. There are also important safety considerations in how these hormones are administered- injections, creams, pellets, or pills. From my understanding, any hormones should bypass the liver and kidneys and not be administered orally in a pill form unless you have a very strong liver and kidneys and are taking low dosages?

In looking at hormones and transitioning- I can see myself ultimately wanting/needing/desiring a girl's body. How I want to achive that is uncertain still. In looking at the options for at least "passing" as a girl, there are some that involve "tucking" the male anatomy, wearing support undergarments, breast forms, and creative makeup. But I see "passing" more as a temporary solution or a quick fix to a long term issue.

Surgery would not happen until after a year or so living as a full-time female and hormone therapies would be involved in the transition process at that point anyway.

Again, what my Mom seemed to suggest is that I do nothing about this transgender situation. She may seem to think that I would be better off not addressing it, not pursuing transition, or even making an issue of my gender identity. She may have nothing against my going to therapy, but I think she assumes or hopes that nothing significant will come of therapy or that I will remain as I am (being male in body). I think she is looking for the convenient answers.

I am begining to think that I should just totally disregard my Mom's input and simply go with my own feelings and intutions and insights. Ultimately it is my body and my life and identity anyway. I would have hoped for some understanding and support from her, but as I see it- she reacts so far as though this whole concept of self-identifying myself as transgender as being some flippant conjuration and overall distraction that can be/should be shrugged off and just dropped entirely.

Wierd Vibes

2008-02-03T08:04:26Z

I talked to my Mom on the phone the other day and mentioned how things were going with classes and stuff and brought up that I had a rough session in therapy. Mom asked me why I had brought up the transgender thing this year and not last year or the year before. She seemed concerned that this was going to interfere with classes and school. She gave me the impression that this was something that could be dropped or switched off like a switch. It was as if she was asking me why all of a sudden I decided to deal with this NOW as opposed to somehow earlier or perhaps later. I explained to her that what I am feeling and dealing with isn't a phase or something that could be turned on and off like a switch.

When would it be more convenient and easier to deal with something I have been carrying inside me since I was kid? Would it have been any easier to come out as transgender in say elementary school, middle school, or God forbid high school? Would it be any easier to come out after I get my degree and start looking for a teaching position? Would it get any easier trying to land any sort of job where the employer may simply choose not to hire me based solely on appearence?

All I know is, it is more common now that I feel more comfortable in girls clothing and it is more common now that when I look in the mirror, I find myself wishing I was female in body and face to match the way I have always felt and percieved myself inwardly. I just feel that everything would fit more naturally if I were female. Even if there was a margin of error in my thinking and feeling- I am still very certain that something about me needs to change for me to feel complete and whole inside and outward.

As I look at the material on hormone replacement and sex reassignment surgery- I am afraid and concerned about the risks, side effects, and potential complications. I obviously wouldn't want to put myself at risk for a serious health condition. Being healthy body as well as soul is important. It wouldn't make a heap of sense for me to transition only to have strokes, blood clots, high blood pressure, and surgical complications.

However, if the risks were minimized and reduced and if the health practitioners were intellegent and mindful of the risks and were competent in reducing the risks considerably and made hormones and surgeries viable, reliable, and safe in the majority of cases and if my particular case seemed very compatible for hormone therapy and surgical procedure, I would consider those options. I would of course need a long time to weigh in ALL options and not just medical and surgical. I would want absolute confidence in myself as well as my therapists and doctors before making any decision that is life altering. I would also want a very reliable and steady support system around me.

I am of the opinion so far that anything I decide, big or small, will likely not be greeted with any comforting level of understanding from Mom. Even as I assure her that my grades and classes and grade point average are solid in the B+ range... and my being transgender has had no effect on how I present myself professionally or academically... she still has this worry or notion that I am off my gourd and probably manufactoring this situation for no real reason. She asked me why I had to do anything about being transgender. Well obviously doing nothing hasn't exactly made the issue disappear, it has only kept it hidden and away from her notice.

It is aggravating, but to be expected I guess. Its all very early in the process.

Sara

Feelings

2008-02-01T21:32:23Z

If I could look like these pictures, I would feel beautiful and attractive. I would need smoother skin and complexion of course and thinner eyebrows.

From last session, I felt very frustrated with myself. I don't think it was so much my impatience coming to the fore as usual. I felt like I was being put on the defensive in some way. For a few moments I felt afraid to speak as anything I would say would be used against me. It's the second time so far in therapy I have felt like that.

I am feeling caught between fear and wanting to do something for myself to help my situation. Without a car or much money, my options seem limited- but also because I am afraid of some of these options, I shy away.

I want to be a more confident person. But to be more confident, do I rely too much on others to supply that confidence? How do I build my own confidence? If the fear was taken away and the heft of this "dire circumstances" of being seen in public as a transgender person were nullified- if being transgender were more widely accepted- then the fear would be lifted.

As I do the research, and think about how I would feel transitioning and so on, I think fear would be the dominant feeling. However, I can sense that once transitioned and fully female with the abillity to live as I want to and to live in more harmony with how I see myself, I can still consider transitioning being a goal.

Growlies

2008-01-31T15:32:13Z

Growlies... I get two new pairs of spandex leggings and the pair of bright purple ones have a busted seam I have to sew together. I am still waiting on the leotards I ordered online and I am hoping that when they say "Adult Large" they consider Large to be Large enough for me.

Why must clothes be such a pain in the butt?