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gymnast_sara [userpic]

Another Conversation

April 20th, 2008 (01:09 am)

Had another conversation with my Mom for a little while last Wednesday about me being Transgender.  While she listened perhaps a little longer and seemed to get pieces and parts of my conversation, she basically told me not to "dwell on it" and then proceeded to change the subject and cut me off.

She seems to firmly believe it is genetic and all that... but why does she choose to avoid the subject.  I don't get it.  Most mothers I would think would kill to have some heart-to-heart with their kids.  I would think she would want to know what's going on.  And if she claims to get it, why then try and supress me from talking about it?  Does she simply not want to deal with it and hope I just hide it?

While I understand she may just be trying to be practical and look out for me against the haters and discriminators out there, I am hardly at the point where I have gone public with myself as a transgender girl.  I have only confided in a few friends.  I feel convinced that she is hoping that this is all some sort of phase that will go away somehow or correct itself.

The more I am able to explore and think more deeply about myself, the more open I think I am to see parts of me that have been pushed back or hidden.  I know there is just something about me that is trying to come out and breathe or exhale somehow.  I know there is a girl inside me dying to get out.




gymnast_sara [userpic]

Thoughts of the Day

March 31st, 2008 (07:05 pm)

Lots of progress is being made I think- recognizing the way I approach relationships now as opposed to how I went into them before.  How I handle the overwhelming, affectionate emotions and sense of needing and yearning for companionship and love versus how I need to hold something back for myself and keep things in a sensible perspective.  

But it is something interesting how the past lately has been poking around in my present.  I find it odd and amusing sometimes.  It's like you can only go so far before something behind you tries to reel you back in.

It somewhat disturbs me that someone I personally cannot stand could apparently change for the better and woo the one girl I have often felt the most fondly of.  It is interesting how things change in the directions that they do... and how people still try to push their opinions upon me.

gymnast_sara [userpic]

Spring Break

March 20th, 2008 (12:57 am)
bouncy

current mood: bouncy

 Well the privacy I am enjoying while the roomates are travelling is nice.  I get to wear my leotards and tights and pretty much relax without fear of being seen.  I got three new velvet leotards that fit perfectly and feel sooo nice.  

Although so far Melody and I haven't had a chance to meet or get in touch so far, I did get to meet an online Domme who has 2 friends and submissives who are transgender girls.  So my list of contacts have increased a tad.

My friend Jamin sent me a recent article from the New York Times on a college transgender guy at an all-girls college.  It was insightful but a tad depressing.  

Then I hear that some important legislation regarding anti-discrimination against transgendered folks on the basis of gender identity didn't go through.  The Human Rights Council are still trying to push it, but leave it to Congress to still hold a grudge against some segment of the human race who doesn't fit their criteria of human.

In other news, passed the 300 page mark in my novel and still have a ways to go.  Hate to think how long the editting process is going to take.

gymnast_sara [userpic]

Weekend and Spring Break So Far

March 16th, 2008 (11:45 pm)
relaxed

current mood: relaxed

Well, I got my privacy for at least two whole days so far and got to wear what I wanted to.  Shiny purple/silver/black leotard and black leggings all day yesterday... shiny blue leotard, white tights, and midnight grey skirt today with my ballet slippers... did absolutely nothing but bake a pizza, listen to my hockey game, and chill.  Course I am hoping to finish my novel and start some work on my thesis outlines and research papers.  I am also looking forward to seeing or at least hearing from Melody sometime this week.  We were trying to plan times when we could see each other and try a few things like make-up, skirts, dresses, skin treatments, etc.  

I am still being encouraged to go on some sort of summer trip to the U.K. to visit my friend at Oxford, but with no money and still no passport as of yet, I don't think its going to happen this year.  Not like its really in my power to go travelling- where do these people think I can get the kind of money to go hopscotching from continent to continent with?  Airfare alone would bankrupt me.  I have less than 200 dollars to my name right now.  Maybe a little more.  I would need a summer job, not a summer trip.  Unless that summer trip involved a well paying summer job.

Right now though I have to focus on finishing the classes I have right now and nailing the grades.  I don't need any added distractions.

gymnast_sara [userpic]

Thoughts

March 7th, 2008 (03:50 pm)
cheerful

current mood: cheerful

After the last session in which it seemed like I vented frustrations with the therapy process and clarified some issues, I think I came away in the end with a much better sense of how things can work out after all.  I got the feeling that there is no more confusion or mixed signals or mixed up messages.  I think I can go back to therapy on Tuesday with a clean slate and approach some past issues and some new issues with more positive angles.  I think summing up some of the issues of the past with concerns I have leading into the near or far future, I have come up with a list of topics:

 1) Things I can do to become more comfortable with myself.  How can I become more at ease with my feelings and more at ease with my body.  If I consider some level of transition, how can I build up the confidence to wear femme clothes and present myself as a little more femme than I am now?  How do I emotionally prepare myself for some forms of transition?  How can I build the confidence to be seen by others as femme in femme clothes?

2)  How do I deal with feelings of guilt or shame?  How do I lessen this fear I have of my mother's influences over me and why do I feel as though my mother has such tremendous influence over me?  Why do I enable her to emotionally undermine my feelings?  Why do I feel so uncomfortable talking to her and why do I fear her in some ways and not in others?

3) How can I feel more confident in what I do for myself?  How can I stop feeling so insecure about my self-expression?  How can I begin to feel a sense that how I feel and behave and think is natural and not something that is wrong?  

I think for now those are the big issues I need to approach and tackle.  As I look more closely at these issues, I can hash out the details and perhaps come up with some solutions.

gymnast_sara [userpic]

Weekend Thoughts

March 1st, 2008 (04:08 am)
confused

current mood: confused

 

I ask myself if I have a right to feel beautiful, and I answer, "Yes".  I ask myself if I have a right to decide who I am and how I want to present myself, and I answer, "Yes".  I ask myself if the things I love and am passionate about are wrong, and I answer, "Why should they be?"  I ask myself should I feel guilty for something that seems natural and comforting to me, and I answer, emphatically, "No".

While I cannot always defend who I am or explain why I am, I feel that I shouldn't have to.  The only person I need to answer to is myself.  But the one that needs to understand who I am and why I am IS myself.

I ask myself if talking about my deepest discomforts helps, and I answer, "Only if the cure hurts less than the discomforts".  I ask myself if I should give my therapist the benefit of the doubt when she apparently has no experiences counselling transgender persons... I ask myself to trust someone who is making me doubt some of my thoughts, question some of my feelings, and feel a sense of guilt over how I think and feel and how I express.

I ask myself to understand what my therapist might be thinking.  I think about putting myself in her proverbial shoes and wonder if she does the same.  I wonder if I click with her or not.  Maybe, maybe not.  I still don't know.  I don't like coming so far only to feel a sense of scrambling around to not lose ground.

gymnast_sara [userpic]

Monday Night Thoughts

February 25th, 2008 (10:50 pm)

It's hard to say after this morning's therapy/counseling session if I felt any better about myself or got any sense of renewed confidence after the awkwardness of the last session prior.  Whether its the exploration of how miserable I am/should be and my trying to bring a positive spin on it- or somehow feeling forced to accept I am miserable and trying to deal with hopelessness or not... or whether it is today's session about looking into sexuality, defintions of sex, and how it is I am uncomfortable with certain aspects of arousal, orgasm, and self-pleasure and whether or not I have a spandex fetish, leotard and tights fetish, or some other attachment that takes away from the heart of my "issues"... I just feel like something is getting out of hand and that the things I am trying to express or achive for myself are being undermined or led in directions that hurt me more than help me.

As this is all free counselling and my therapist has a considerable amount of experience in psychology- though not specifically in transgender issues- I give her the benefit of the doubt.  It aggrivates me though because I feel more and more like I am on the defensive and that perhaps it was better for me not to mention anything.  One side of me would like to think anything could be relevent when it comes to defining my place in all this- but another side of me is begining to regret and have serious reservations and doubts.

I am seriously wondering right now where the therapist is headed and what her goals are in relation to my goals of identifying who I am and my gender identity.  It seems like lately as I put something out there, it gets attacked and somehow requires justification or some defence.  Is the goal then to undermine what my feelings arem or is it to tear it apart to see just how permanent or resiliant my thoughts and feelings are?  Do they stand uo against criticism and the test of time?

If I have had consistant thoughts, doubts, feelings, and perhaps habits that have run consistantly since I was a young teen, what should that say?

gymnast_sara [userpic]

From my "Other" Journal

February 18th, 2008 (06:42 pm)
contemplative

current location: The Dorm of 4-Days of Silence
current mood: contemplative
current song: Mozart




Testing a Theory

Feb. 18th, 2008 | 06:03 pm

After 20 or so years, I have finally gone to a counsellor / therapist with an issue that has been weighing on my mind off and on and off and on since I was 12 or younger.  It is a persistant issue and one that will not go away unless I find the abillity to resolve it or I take the issue with the seriousness it deserves and make peace with it.  I am not homosexual.  I do not have cancer, AIDS, or some debilitating disease.

I have a gender identity issue.  I am transgender.  There is disharmony with who I feel I am and what I am physically.  There is dysphoria, confusion, and a blurring of gender identity.  On the gender spectrum, I am neither black or white.  I do not fit into the gender binary mentally or emotionally.  I do not fit neatly into any label or category, but the word "Transgender" at least defines the umbrella under which I find myself.

Some friends or acquaintances I have opened up to have responded positively at first- letting me know that they support me and understand where I am coming from and so on.  However, they gradually admit that they do not understand and cannot support me or various reasons (schedules, ambivalence, no reason stated)... which leads me to wonder and question the nature of who I am to these people even more so.

Would people be more willing to support me if the word "Transgender" never came up?  Or is there a deeper issue here where perhaps I have never had many friends to begin with- just people- strangers- acquaintances- who simply smile and nod and pay me lip service?

Would people support me if I had said, "yeah, I have AIDS..." or "Yeah, I have cancer."  Would people be more willing to support me or help me if only they knew more about what it is to be "Transgender"?  I am inclined to think so, but I do not take the road of force feeding people information.  I'd like to handle this calmly- if people have questions, I would find the answers and share my findings.

I am a tad peeved though... does being "Transgender" prevent people from getting to know me?  Does being "Transgender" suddenly put up red lights and stop signs when it comes to making friends and getting to know people?  Does being "Transgender" mean I stop being a human being and a person and start being the subject of curiosity and study and constant analysis?  Do I suddenly become a novelty act and conversation piece no different than an interesting coffee table book on the living room table?

How is it that some people can support their friends whole-heartedly, but others balk when a real challenge comes up?  You are strong enough to be their friend through thin, but not thick?  Friendships can only be what's convenient for you?  I want to believe that friendships and being friends is a whole lot more than what's convenient.  I'd like to think that a friend is more than just someone you hang out with on occaison.

I'd also like to think that a friend doesn't have to be physically there beside you if emotionally he or she is already there.  People seem to dismiss emotional attachments or put them secondary to physical presence.  Sure, physical presence is nice and helpful and undeniable, but a body is still just a body.  How does your friend FEEL about you?  What does this friend THINK about you?  The thing that really defines a relationship shouldn't be a body, but a HEART and MIND.  Sheesh.  And that goes for ANY situation and ANY person.  

Responce?

gymnast_sara [userpic]

Thinking

February 17th, 2008 (08:25 pm)
annoyed

current mood: annoyed
current song: Ame to Kasa to Tsunaida te -Maki Chang


I had a four-day break and vacation and you would think that I would go nuts and dress up in my leotards, tights, and prance about and be girly.  Honestly, I didn't even think of it.  I wore spandex on night and that was about it for dress up.  I spent at least two days in pajama bottoms and 4 days in hockey jerseys.  It was a busy week for the Hartford Wolfpack and I caught all the games on the web broadcasts.  They win against the likes of Providence, Springfield, and Portland but can't cash in on a perfect weekend as they lose to Bridgeport 4-1 today.  

Lately the Transgender posts I have been reading has had a bit of a focus on public perceptions and Fox News damnation and comparing the transgender community to the war in Iraq by Linda Ingrham... sad.  Apparently, according to the O'Reily Factor's Linda Ingrham, society is being destroyed by the transgender community- coincidentally at the time of a transgender conference in Berkely in California.

Everytime I hear this kind of idiocy from the likes of Fox News, it makes me cringe and want to scream to deafen these ultra-conservative Bible jockeys who think Fox News is the world's leader in the Word of God.
Canada is looking better and better with each passing day.  Thank God I get my news from BBC World and the Daily Show by John Stewart and The Colbert Report.  At least there I know I'll be entertained and get what will at least make me laugh.  Fox News is full of shit.

In relation to my own situation, the more "horror stories" I hear of how people react to transgendered people, the more reluctant I am to consider my options and choices for transitioning.  It is hard to believe that people could be so ignorant and visceral, but they are and it doesn't take much to piss off the "Heartland of America" folks who still belive George Bush's mission is accomplished.  It doesn't take much to look back and see how society treated homosexuals before the explosion of awareness in the 80's.  It doesn't take much effort for me to recall just how people reacted to the existence of transgendered people.  God forbid that a person wishes to be someone more in harmony with what they feel.  I don't get it.  At what point does a minority of people seeking their true identities undermine the dominance of an overwhelming majority?  What is this, Orsen Well's 1984?  

I doubt anything the liberal, homosexual, transgender populations do will unravel the fabric of human existence or "mainstream" society.  I so doubt that anything we do would undermine the Christian Coalition/700 Club/Republican belief in God and their Mandate of Heaven over the American Dream.  

I don't see how gay marriage, sex changes, or homosexuality will impede on the lives of anyone not having a gay marraige or sex change or heterosexual life.  

I am glad that I am a Taoist.  It is a shame that I have no tolerance for ignorance and stubborn blind stupidity.

gymnast_sara [userpic]

Thinking, trying to Be big.

February 9th, 2008 (11:15 pm)



"You have to THINK big to BE big."