Summer Break Coming Soon
The likelihood of me having internet access over the summer is looking kind of slim- so if anyone reads my journal and wonders where I am, I'll be home generaly feeling even more frustrated and isolated and likely depressed.
Usually during the long 3 month break, I tend to either hunt for work, focus on my writing, or find something to do to distract me from the fact that I generally have a house to myself while my Mom is at work.
I think during the summer I will try and do as much soul searching as I can and probably write a lot of things down so I can post a big update when I get back on-campus.
Looking back, this semester has been the toughest for me. Between dealing with some tougher than expected classes and begining to come to terms with being transgender or at least not necessarily all male like I supposedly should be... I am generally surprised I haven't flunked this semester.
In looking back, it is hard to believe that I managed to pull through these last 3 years of college with a decent 3.24 G.PA. My lowest grade in any class so far has been a C+... and to date, I only have 2 of those. I've earned quite a few A's in my time here and made Dean's List one Spring Semester. It hasn't been all bad, but I know that the real challenges have yet to come.
And I think the big reason I find myself questioning my gender identity and spending time on it is because I don't want to spend any more time wondering or missing out on a life I could have. I feel like I missed out on lots of things I would have loved and been passionate about had I been born a girl. And its not like it is easy to just say, "well why can't you just do those things as a guy?"
Try rythmic gymnastics or artistic gymnastics as a guy... try to do the women's apparatus you really want to do as a guy... see how far that gets you. Try getting taken seriously as a guy who wants to wear leotards, do floor excersizes, uneven bars, balance beam, and twirl ribbons and dance femininely. Guys do gymnastics sure... but not the gymnastics I would love to participate in. And the same goes for ballet too.
As a guy now, I am boxed in by stereotypes, societal expectations, gender-specific limitations, etc. I don't feel like I am free to express myself. I feel mostly embarassed and fearful of expressing elements of msyelf more femme than masculine.
And think about how transgender persons are generally percieved in society these days. "He-she", "freaks", the subject of jokes and ridicule... the subject of hate and discrimination... totally rejected or shunned because somehow they don't fit into what society has defined as "normal". And it doesn't help anything when the media feeds the public inaccurate portrayals "Jerry Springer-style" or turn things against the transgender community as if trying to be honest with yourself was a crime against humanity.
How do you think I feel sometimes waking up in the morning (or afternoon actually) only to look in the mirror and react in one of two ways:
1) I look disgusting... I hate the way I look... I'll never look or feel attractive... Why do I even bother getting up?
2) Who am I really? Why do I feel so out of touch with who I am?
Actually there are countless reactions I have to myself and most are generally boiling down to discomfort and doubt. When I think of myself as eventually growing old and venerable or ancient, how do I want to be seen? If I do nothing and remain as is for the next 40 years... will I be happy with myself or hate myself for not doing enough to find the answers or become closer to my true self?
If I do anything, I want certainty... I want what I choose to do to feel as natural and seamless as possible... like an extension of my past bleeding into my present. Some new things I do now for myself have felt like they have always been a part of me... and the more of these changes I go through, the more I wonder what else will feel more natural... what else about me has been penned up or kept so bound up and hidden?
I am hoping to do a lot of self-exploring this summer.