Seeing Old Friend
Saw my old friend that I haven't seen in about two years. He knows I am transgender- At least I am sure he knows I have mentioned it- whether he knows what I mean and understands what I have said... well that remains to be seen.
One thing I do know is that after spending the weekend hanging out with him "Guys being guys", I guess I see some differences in myself while also fully aware that I have tendencies, quirks, habits, or whatever that just won't change no matter what gender I feel I am.
I also know that not many in my family will accept, understand, or see me in very welcoming light if I came out fully to them as a MTF transgender person.
I think my situation becomes more tense and frightening the more I think about how few people have actually offered physical support. I may end up very much alone in my situation with little or no support system. I think as it stands, the friends I have told have basically stepped back- being unable to grasp that regardless of gender identity, I am still very much the same person inside as I have always been. I am still their friend and still the same person- only differences I can admit are differences in how I want to express myself.
I am more afraid of how people will view me if I transition. I am afraid of what people will do and how hard things will be if I try to transition. Yet, the more afraid I am, the more I gradually feel that something isn't right and something needs to be done.
So what needs to be done? I am still in the process of finding that out.